Why is it that you can never get a pair of stockings that actually fit you?
I am a serial stocking killer. I freely admit it. Judge me as you may, but first just listen to my story. Every single stocking company has a different system of sizing - some use XS, S, M, L; others use Petite, Average, Tall; and some, and what I am about to say may shock some people, have a 'one size fits all' policy. I know, disgusting. No matter what size I try, I never seem to be able to find a pair of stocking that actually fit me. They're either way too small, and cross down around your knees, or way to big, and stretch up above your head (a safety risk in itself). One might say, well why not just fold it down. Ah, my uneducated one, you try breathing with five layers of stocking wrapped around your waist.
The immediate problem with the small is, of course, the inability to walk, a skill I think we all like to possess, but more importantly the dreaded ladder. It is the global disaster of the school girl. No one can truly understand the horror of finding that little tiny hole on your knee unless they've experienced it themselves. I always got weird looks from my brothers when I came home in tears after a seemingly harmless hole appeared in my stocking. But if only they knew the terrors that were soon to unfold. This tiny hole soon becomes a little bigger, with a tuft of string hanging loose. While sitting bored in class one day you look at the tempting string as it seems to say to you, "oh, what's the harm? I'm just a little bit of string, what can I do?" You grasp it in your quavering fingers and in one foul swoop, you yank that string with all you've got. Instantaneously a thousands tiny ladders spring out from all sides, creeping down your legs and bringing terror upon you. "Please forgive me, Please forgive me," you cry to the stocking gods. "I didn't know, I didn't know!"
Such a sad, sad scene. No amount of nail varnish can save you now. You must walk around as the other girls laugh at your holey stocking as you try to make jokes about how 'holy' they are. Nobody's laughing.
I say we start a movement. The Global Stockings Movement. If you see some poor sod wearing a pair of stocking with ladders in them, than laugh at their jokes! Cry out in joy at the hilarity of the double use of the word 'holy'! Together, we can change the world, one stocking at a time!
xx Miss Moi
Yves Saint Laurent Y-Mail Range
